September 23, 2016 Day 15

Up until last night, I had been sleeping well at night, which is a feat for me, as I have struggled with sleep since my divorce just over a decade ago. Last night I woke up several times, and immediately - as if it had been going on while I was sleeping - the MB (monkey brain) or RB (rabid dog) thoughts were loud and active; as though someone was wiring random thoughts into my brain - multititudes of them, overlapping, scattered, a tornado of thoughts. Anything and everything, where do these thoughts come from? They make no sense, and I often think my god how crazy am I? Those are automatic reactions to something I don't understand and don't want in my life. It's all a debilitating ball of negative stress. These thought processes cause immediate anxiety in stomach; a tightness, a sickness, that then spreads throughout my body. I remember I am only to breathe, focus on my breath, and not judge the thoughts - just let them come and go without judgement. This is immensely difficult. These thought processes also cause immediate stress, adrenaline, and despair. I was actually able to go back to sleep several times through my hard work at focusing on breathing and trying to step back from those judging thoughts.

By the time it is time to get up, I am exhausted, stressed, and a steady level of anxiety is dwelling in my body - centered in my stomach. I am unable to go to the gym, which might help me, because of the extreme effort it takes to get through the night and accomplish sleep. Upon waking, the MB/RD is immediate. I try to refocus, and scroll through FB, Instagram, and SnapChat because I feel paralyzed and immobile. I think, what if I were able to just get up and start doing things? Blog, go to the gym, get ready, go to work, JUST GO DO IT. Can I get to that point? Up until now I have completely doubted that and remained immobile and feeling paralyzed. But what if? I have learned so much and am employing those skills, despite how difficult and exhausting it is, but I can't handle work in addition, right now. Can I really put it into practice and break through the invisible chains that hold me back? Because you know what comes after all of what I have described my night and morning to be? Guilt. Shame. That shit no one wants to feel, but what is my constant in addition to the plethora of other issues. And people wonder why some of us hide from the world, and life, and don't put themselves out there. This is why, because many people would be like that bitch is crazy, and think less of me. Of course, I know I shouldn't care, but it is fucking hard to be vulnerable and allow yourself to be judged, when we are already our own harshest critic.

The initial things that happen in my brain, are seemingly not in my control. That is why I've taken a shit ton of meds and self medicated over the years. I seem to have some sort of mental illness, that is heavily defined by racing thoughts and anxiety. That is not in my control, but how I handle it is. I'm handling it much differently than I ever have in the past, but I don't know how long I have the energy to go through this. Will it subside? History shows it will not. Do I need a different med with fewer side effects? That remains to be seen. IF I could get going in the mornings and work out and carry on, instead of being immobile and paralyzed for a while, would that bring these symptoms down to a level that I can live with? That is my wish...my hope...my dream.

I'm going to call my dr this morning and leave a message for the nurse, and just put it out here and see if there is any feedback. Writing all this out helps me to organize my thoughts, focus, and move on. I will most likely not go to work today, as I just can't face it yet. But I will be active at home by cleaning the rest of my house. I did clean the upstairs last evening, which made me feel great. I have a terrible headache and wish that would go away, I've had it for days now. As well as an eye twitch that comes and goes for the last few days. My eyes feel tired and dry. I have a lot more energy, which is nice, but I have to say it's to the point I have nervous energy, which is not comfortable. There is a level of adrenaline and anxiety that flows through my body at all times, which is gross feeling. (I also have adrenal fatigue). My body has a lot of aches and pains. My sensitivity is so strong and I try not to feel broken; as Glennon Doyle Melton says in Love Warrior, not broken - a sensitive/feeling person in a messy world. I do believe that is who I am, but most people, many friends do not get that and don't understand. And being understood, is something I desperately want and need in my life.

I start my program at EMU Wednesday September 28, the first meeting is a convocation with a few speakers and time to meet the rest of my cohort I will spend the next 15 months of Wednesday nights with. If I am not feeling different than I am feeling these last few days, it will be incredibly difficult to do Convocation, participate in class, and do my work well. So in the next couple weeks, I wish for peace in my big ole precocious brain.

September 22, 2016 Day 14

Today is about the 14th day since I went off 150mg of Venlafaxine (Effexor ER). Prior to this I felt pretty "normal." Or the normal I had become used to while on the drug for several years. It is the day I really noticed my prior issues cropping up: anxiety, and negative monkey brain. Also, excessively emotional. While I am a sensitive and emotional person, the Venlafaxine dulled that for me and made the world easier to bear. It also took away my monkey brain and anxiety. It also helped my PMDD a great deal, no more 3 weeks of PMS and period hell, only just a week of an extremely painful period. However, it also took away my sex drive and ability to orgasm, promoted weight gain and prevented my efforts at weight loss, and made me sweat excessively. When I say sweat excessively I do mean excessively, as I am already a person who sweats a great deal. I mean who wants to swear profusely on top of already sweating profusely?!

I have not gone to work since Tuesday. So there's that guilt. Yesterday was just sort of a day of playing hooky, but today, today I was feeling bad this morning and instantly going into panic mode. I spent much of the day so far with a low level of anxiety just humming below the surface of my skin and sitting in my belly. Negative Monkey Brain (NMB) has been oh so busy, bouncing around and whispering any and all negativity in such a jumbled up manner I can't even make out the thoughts. This afternoon I reached out to my sister, but as many people do, she began to talk about her issues and similarities which is not what I needed. We ARE very similar but I just really needed to talk and be heard, not swap horror stories. It is often a bad habit for people who want to show solidarity and support to immediately share their story, so I get it; I have been guilty of this also. So I mentioned it to my Mom, who did a great job of being supportive - which is really wonderful as she was never good at that all these years. I spoke to two other friends about it and neither were able to provide what I needed, but at least they know I am struggling. One of the good effects of going off this drug is I feel clearer, and have more energy. It's just too much energy. I feel little trills just under my skin, at the back of my neck, and throughout my arms and stomach and legs. It is uncomfortable.

I have cried and thought, I don't want to go through this again. Can I do this? Should I just go back on it and be fat and orgasm-less the rest of my life? Either path is unacceptable to me. I want more than this out of my life! I am vibrant, smart, and have so much to offer but my odd-isms and mental illnesses prevent me from realizing my true potential. One of the most frustrating and heartbreaking parts of al this is you're never really feeling good. When you take this kind of drug, you are trading one set of negatives for a different set of negatives - the side effects. Are we destined to always have to choose between the lesser of two evils; just like this hideous election?!

So after those conversations with friends, I decided to do 10 minutes of meditation with focus on breath work. It was so difficult, much more difficult than before when I was on the drug. But I did it. And I think it helped. It is my dream to be able to come off this medicine and not be on anything like it, and control my anxiety, NMB, and sensitivity with meditation, a relatively clean diet, yoga, and exercise. I have never, ever been able to be consistent with my yoga practice, meditation, and exercise; but now it is imperative that I do so. Somehow, I have to make it happen, and hope that it heals me, and allows me to be able to move through this world the way I want to. Positively, gracefully, without anxiety, without NMB, and without being overly sensitive.

I am 43, very soon to be 44 on October 21, and I have struggled with these things my whole life. I have tried so many drugs, and different doses of drugs. I have spent years in doctors offices, and years legally drugged up. I have spent years not on illegal drugs and booze. Neither have given me what I really want for my life, or need to be fulfilled, responsible, happy, and a good world citizen.I want to record here how I'm feeling day to day...my symptoms, my successes, my failures. I hope it will be an outlet for what I'm going through, and a way to help keep me sane.

And now I shall clean my house. It needs it desperately and I can't let my thoughts control me, I just need to take action. I often spend way too much time in my head, thinking, ruminating, and not taking action. I say fuck it a lot; too much, and just lose myself in a book or tv or movie. I am an idealist, a romantic, and an escapist so those are my go to for hiding. But nothing is getting done, my house is dirty and there's cat hair everywhere. If I'm going to survive this come down, I have to somehow find it within to actually DO the cleaning, the work, the homework (oh yeah, I go to school too), the yoga, the exercise, and the meditation. That's the conundrum, always. Off I go. Pandora on the 80's, and put one foot in front of the other. Breathe. Move. I got this.