Today is about the 14th day since I went off 150mg of Venlafaxine (Effexor ER). Prior to this I felt pretty "normal." Or the normal I had become used to while on the drug for several years. It is the day I really noticed my prior issues cropping up: anxiety, and negative monkey brain. Also, excessively emotional. While I am a sensitive and emotional person, the Venlafaxine dulled that for me and made the world easier to bear. It also took away my monkey brain and anxiety. It also helped my PMDD a great deal, no more 3 weeks of PMS and period hell, only just a week of an extremely painful period. However, it also took away my sex drive and ability to orgasm, promoted weight gain and prevented my efforts at weight loss, and made me sweat excessively. When I say sweat excessively I do mean excessively, as I am already a person who sweats a great deal. I mean who wants to swear profusely on top of already sweating profusely?!
I have not gone to work since Tuesday. So there's that guilt. Yesterday was just sort of a day of playing hooky, but today, today I was feeling bad this morning and instantly going into panic mode. I spent much of the day so far with a low level of anxiety just humming below the surface of my skin and sitting in my belly. Negative Monkey Brain (NMB) has been oh so busy, bouncing around and whispering any and all negativity in such a jumbled up manner I can't even make out the thoughts. This afternoon I reached out to my sister, but as many people do, she began to talk about her issues and similarities which is not what I needed. We ARE very similar but I just really needed to talk and be heard, not swap horror stories. It is often a bad habit for people who want to show solidarity and support to immediately share their story, so I get it; I have been guilty of this also. So I mentioned it to my Mom, who did a great job of being supportive - which is really wonderful as she was never good at that all these years. I spoke to two other friends about it and neither were able to provide what I needed, but at least they know I am struggling. One of the good effects of going off this drug is I feel clearer, and have more energy. It's just too much energy. I feel little trills just under my skin, at the back of my neck, and throughout my arms and stomach and legs. It is uncomfortable.
I have cried and thought, I don't want to go through this again. Can I do this? Should I just go back on it and be fat and orgasm-less the rest of my life? Either path is unacceptable to me. I want more than this out of my life! I am vibrant, smart, and have so much to offer but my odd-isms and mental illnesses prevent me from realizing my true potential. One of the most frustrating and heartbreaking parts of al this is you're never really feeling good. When you take this kind of drug, you are trading one set of negatives for a different set of negatives - the side effects. Are we destined to always have to choose between the lesser of two evils; just like this hideous election?!
So after those conversations with friends, I decided to do 10 minutes of meditation with focus on breath work. It was so difficult, much more difficult than before when I was on the drug. But I did it. And I think it helped. It is my dream to be able to come off this medicine and not be on anything like it, and control my anxiety, NMB, and sensitivity with meditation, a relatively clean diet, yoga, and exercise. I have never, ever been able to be consistent with my yoga practice, meditation, and exercise; but now it is imperative that I do so. Somehow, I have to make it happen, and hope that it heals me, and allows me to be able to move through this world the way I want to. Positively, gracefully, without anxiety, without NMB, and without being overly sensitive.
I am 43, very soon to be 44 on October 21, and I have struggled with these things my whole life. I have tried so many drugs, and different doses of drugs. I have spent years in doctors offices, and years legally drugged up. I have spent years not on illegal drugs and booze. Neither have given me what I really want for my life, or need to be fulfilled, responsible, happy, and a good world citizen.I want to record here how I'm feeling day to day...my symptoms, my successes, my failures. I hope it will be an outlet for what I'm going through, and a way to help keep me sane.
And now I shall clean my house. It needs it desperately and I can't let my thoughts control me, I just need to take action. I often spend way too much time in my head, thinking, ruminating, and not taking action. I say fuck it a lot; too much, and just lose myself in a book or tv or movie. I am an idealist, a romantic, and an escapist so those are my go to for hiding. But nothing is getting done, my house is dirty and there's cat hair everywhere. If I'm going to survive this come down, I have to somehow find it within to actually DO the cleaning, the work, the homework (oh yeah, I go to school too), the yoga, the exercise, and the meditation. That's the conundrum, always. Off I go. Pandora on the 80's, and put one foot in front of the other. Breathe. Move. I got this.
No comments:
Post a Comment