Up until last night, I had been sleeping well at night, which is a feat for me, as I have struggled with sleep since my divorce just over a decade ago. Last night I woke up several times, and immediately - as if it had been going on while I was sleeping - the MB (monkey brain) or RB (rabid dog) thoughts were loud and active; as though someone was wiring random thoughts into my brain - multititudes of them, overlapping, scattered, a tornado of thoughts. Anything and everything, where do these thoughts come from? They make no sense, and I often think my god how crazy am I? Those are automatic reactions to something I don't understand and don't want in my life. It's all a debilitating ball of negative stress. These thought processes cause immediate anxiety in stomach; a tightness, a sickness, that then spreads throughout my body. I remember I am only to breathe, focus on my breath, and not judge the thoughts - just let them come and go without judgement. This is immensely difficult. These thought processes also cause immediate stress, adrenaline, and despair. I was actually able to go back to sleep several times through my hard work at focusing on breathing and trying to step back from those judging thoughts.
By the time it is time to get up, I am exhausted, stressed, and a steady level of anxiety is dwelling in my body - centered in my stomach. I am unable to go to the gym, which might help me, because of the extreme effort it takes to get through the night and accomplish sleep. Upon waking, the MB/RD is immediate. I try to refocus, and scroll through FB, Instagram, and SnapChat because I feel paralyzed and immobile. I think, what if I were able to just get up and start doing things? Blog, go to the gym, get ready, go to work, JUST GO DO IT. Can I get to that point? Up until now I have completely doubted that and remained immobile and feeling paralyzed. But what if? I have learned so much and am employing those skills, despite how difficult and exhausting it is, but I can't handle work in addition, right now. Can I really put it into practice and break through the invisible chains that hold me back? Because you know what comes after all of what I have described my night and morning to be? Guilt. Shame. That shit no one wants to feel, but what is my constant in addition to the plethora of other issues. And people wonder why some of us hide from the world, and life, and don't put themselves out there. This is why, because many people would be like that bitch is crazy, and think less of me. Of course, I know I shouldn't care, but it is fucking hard to be vulnerable and allow yourself to be judged, when we are already our own harshest critic.
The initial things that happen in my brain, are seemingly not in my control. That is why I've taken a shit ton of meds and self medicated over the years. I seem to have some sort of mental illness, that is heavily defined by racing thoughts and anxiety. That is not in my control, but how I handle it is. I'm handling it much differently than I ever have in the past, but I don't know how long I have the energy to go through this. Will it subside? History shows it will not. Do I need a different med with fewer side effects? That remains to be seen. IF I could get going in the mornings and work out and carry on, instead of being immobile and paralyzed for a while, would that bring these symptoms down to a level that I can live with? That is my wish...my hope...my dream.
I'm going to call my dr this morning and leave a message for the nurse, and just put it out here and see if there is any feedback. Writing all this out helps me to organize my thoughts, focus, and move on. I will most likely not go to work today, as I just can't face it yet. But I will be active at home by cleaning the rest of my house. I did clean the upstairs last evening, which made me feel great. I have a terrible headache and wish that would go away, I've had it for days now. As well as an eye twitch that comes and goes for the last few days. My eyes feel tired and dry. I have a lot more energy, which is nice, but I have to say it's to the point I have nervous energy, which is not comfortable. There is a level of adrenaline and anxiety that flows through my body at all times, which is gross feeling. (I also have adrenal fatigue). My body has a lot of aches and pains. My sensitivity is so strong and I try not to feel broken; as Glennon Doyle Melton says in Love Warrior, not broken - a sensitive/feeling person in a messy world. I do believe that is who I am, but most people, many friends do not get that and don't understand. And being understood, is something I desperately want and need in my life.
I start my program at EMU Wednesday September 28, the first meeting is a convocation with a few speakers and time to meet the rest of my cohort I will spend the next 15 months of Wednesday nights with. If I am not feeling different than I am feeling these last few days, it will be incredibly difficult to do Convocation, participate in class, and do my work well. So in the next couple weeks, I wish for peace in my big ole precocious brain.
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